moneymakingsecrets

But anyway, my Uncle Jack knew many military secrets (he had a top secret clearance) and he took all of his secrets to the grave. But, you know what? Before he died, he gave me a little something he had spent his lifetime perfecting. Only five other people know about it.

Let's shorten this story: When I realized it wasn't Terrance Leednaught sending me those vicious e-mails, I started to suspect it was Leonard Fumarto who was the author of them. I retrieved Uncle Jack's secret software program from its hiding place (all the alphabet agencies in the world could never find it) and check it against Leonard Fumarto's previous e-mails to me. BINGO! He was the author of all those e-mails. It was a more foolproof identity "make" than you can get from fingerprints or DNA.

I got another nasty e-mail from Leonard Fumarto (disguised as Terrance Leednaught) telling me all about the horrible things he was gong to do to me. I e-mailed back to him a message which said something like...

"No, Mr. Fumarto. You are not going to do any of those things to me. What you are going to do is go to prison and become a member of the AEP (Asshole Enlargement Program) and, when you come out, your rectum will be approximately the size of the Holland Tunnel."

I also cc'd a copy of this message to the real e-mail address of Leonard Fumarto. Leonard e-mailed me back almost immediately declaring his innocence. I e-mailed him back and told him how I KNEW it was him and how the name of my Bimini boat was "No Mercy" because it reflected my personality so accurately.