Gary Halbert Personal Ad

I’ve also met many ladi es who were not so
outstanding. In fact, I’ve met more than a few wom an who, although they
had great exteriors, were, on the inside, flat out dummies! Want some examples? You do? OK, you asked for it. Try these out for
size. Zelda The Princess: Zelda is a 26-year-old Jewish lady who waltzed i nto
my office and immediately informed me (before I even had a chance to say
hello) that she wanted me to write an ad for her an d that she wanted to go
to bed with me. Well, what the hell, on some days I’m a pushover. She got what she
wanted and I must admit, she gave me one of the mos t thorough screwing
I’ve ever had in my life. Unfortunately, it didn’t happen in bed. And, what happened in bed was unfortunate also. You see. Zelda’s idea
of good sex is brutality. She wants a man who will slap her around,
degrade and humiliate her and, quite literally, bounce her off the walls. Sorry, but that’s not me. I like to make love with women, not war. Sherry The Tragic: Sherry was a secretary and a go-go dancer. Great
body, a very pretty face and a good sense of humor. Unfortunately, she
was also a “walking accident” looking for a place t o happen. She was
always in court on charges relating to neglecting h er four-year-old
daughter and her ex-boyfriend was a Mafia hit man ( true) who wanted her
back and who was trying to find her. We had a very brief affair.

Karen The “Would Be” Prostitute: A gorgeous woman who, after our
affair got going, confessed to me she wanted to liv e her life as a hooker. Then she informed me she wanted me to be her first “John” and that I
should start paying her for sex. When I refused she decided I would be her
lord and master (pimp) and she would have sex with other men and make
then pay and then give the money to me. This also was a very brief affair.

Claudia The Actress: Sensational looks. A real traffic stopper. I used
her in a few full-page ads and I created a perfume promotion based around
her. We started hanging out with each other and I was the envy of all the
men who saw us together. Except me. I wasn’t envious of me at all. Clau dia had a terminal case of
tunnel vision. The only thing that she could focus on whatsoever for more
than 10 seconds was her precious career. She was deadly dull. I couldn’t sustain enough interest in her to even
take her to bed. I could go on and on. All of these examples (ex cept for the names) are
true. They have not been made up. In fact, they have been toned down! And so far, I haven’t even described what I cons ider the worst category
of women at all. These are women who, in my opinio n, might actually be
clinically crazy. You want to know how I can tell? It’s easy. You see,
these are all the women who do not have any of the drawbacks that turn
me off and who, for some unexplained reason, are not interested in me. Can you imagine that? Anyway, the idea of this ad is simply to put a l ittle “science into the
search” and to eliminate me having to spend a lot o f time with a woman
only to discover that I am not interested in her or else (and much worse)
that she is not interested in me. What do I want in a woman? Well, I’ve got a pre tty good idea but I am,
I must admit, quite flexible. However, I have a very clear idea of what I
don’t want and it is here that I am not flexible at all.

So, let’s start with
that. Here they are.

7 Things Gary Does
NOT Want From A Woman!

#1 DEATH OR DISEASE: This is my number one no-no. Listen, I’ve
never had sex with a gay man, a bisexual man, a tra nssexual man or any
kind of man at all. I hardly every go near Santa M onica Boulevard and,
when I do, the only place I ever stop is Barney’s Beanery. And, even then, I never eat quiche. In other words, I’m straight. Also, I’m not a h emophiliac. I’ve never
had a blood transfusion. I’m not a junkie and I ne ver stick needles into my
body. I’m not promiscuous. I don’t mess around wi th prostitutes )I tried it
years ago and it was boring), and I’ve never even b een close to Africa or
Haiti. What this means, of course, is that with any kin d of luck at all (knock on
wood) I do not have AIDS. Also, to my knowledge, I do not have any
other type of dreadful communicable disease includi ng syphilis,
gonorrhea, herpes, hepatitis, or even the bubonic plague. If you can’t say the same, please, please, do NOT respond to this ad. #2 DRUG DRAMAS: DO you like to drink a little or get a little high
once in a while so you can loosen up and party down? You do? Good! That means you and I can have some fun. But please – read that first
sentence again. See where it says “a little” and “ every once in a while”? Those words are important to me.

Therefore, if you r idea of “a little” and
“every once in a while” is to get drunk or stoned e very day, if the way you
like to use cocaine is by freebasing or injecting i t, if you gulp down
Valium or Quaaludes by the fistful, if you use PCP or heroin in any way,
shape or form, then I must, once again, ask you to please not answer this
ad. #3 DESPERATE DILEMMAS: Are you sleeping in your car because
your rent is six months overdue? Is your ex-husban d a hatchet murderer
who is trying to track you down and who swears to m utilate any man who
so much as looks at you? Are you in desperate need of fast money
because your poor old mother needs a kidney transpl ant in order to keep
on living? I’m sorry, I really am. But I’m just an ordinar y everyday nice guy. I’m
not Superman or even Lee Ioaccoa. I’m very compass ionate and very
understanding but I have recently retired from trying to save the world. Therefore, I am not qualified to save your life. However, if you will let
me, I might be able to enhance it by adding to it s ome excitement and
romance. #4 MARRIAGE: I’ve been married twice and, both times, it spoiled a
great romance. I don’t want to get married again a nd I don’t want to live
with you either. You see, at this point in my life, I don’t want to own a
woman, I just want to enjoy one. It would be nice, if you decide to answer this a d, if you already have
some sort of life of your own. I don’t want to be your everything.