Gary Halbert Personal Ad

So, let’s start with
that. Here they are.

7 Things Gary Does
NOT Want From A Woman!

#1 DEATH OR DISEASE: This is my number one no-no. Listen, I’ve
never had sex with a gay man, a bisexual man, a tra nssexual man or any
kind of man at all. I hardly every go near Santa M onica Boulevard and,
when I do, the only place I ever stop is Barney’s Beanery. And, even then, I never eat quiche. In other words, I’m straight. Also, I’m not a h emophiliac. I’ve never
had a blood transfusion. I’m not a junkie and I ne ver stick needles into my
body. I’m not promiscuous. I don’t mess around wi th prostitutes )I tried it
years ago and it was boring), and I’ve never even b een close to Africa or
Haiti. What this means, of course, is that with any kin d of luck at all (knock on
wood) I do not have AIDS. Also, to my knowledge, I do not have any
other type of dreadful communicable disease includi ng syphilis,
gonorrhea, herpes, hepatitis, or even the bubonic plague. If you can’t say the same, please, please, do NOT respond to this ad. #2 DRUG DRAMAS: DO you like to drink a little or get a little high
once in a while so you can loosen up and party down? You do? Good! That means you and I can have some fun. But please – read that first
sentence again. See where it says “a little” and “ every once in a while”? Those words are important to me.

Therefore, if you r idea of “a little” and
“every once in a while” is to get drunk or stoned e very day, if the way you
like to use cocaine is by freebasing or injecting i t, if you gulp down
Valium or Quaaludes by the fistful, if you use PCP or heroin in any way,
shape or form, then I must, once again, ask you to please not answer this
ad. #3 DESPERATE DILEMMAS: Are you sleeping in your car because
your rent is six months overdue? Is your ex-husban d a hatchet murderer
who is trying to track you down and who swears to m utilate any man who
so much as looks at you? Are you in desperate need of fast money
because your poor old mother needs a kidney transpl ant in order to keep
on living? I’m sorry, I really am. But I’m just an ordinar y everyday nice guy. I’m
not Superman or even Lee Ioaccoa. I’m very compass ionate and very
understanding but I have recently retired from trying to save the world. Therefore, I am not qualified to save your life. However, if you will let
me, I might be able to enhance it by adding to it s ome excitement and
romance. #4 MARRIAGE: I’ve been married twice and, both times, it spoiled a
great romance. I don’t want to get married again a nd I don’t want to live
with you either. You see, at this point in my life, I don’t want to own a
woman, I just want to enjoy one. It would be nice, if you decide to answer this a d, if you already have
some sort of life of your own. I don’t want to be your everything.

I would
much rather be that special somebody who you see tw o or three times a
week and who makes you feel good. Would that be OK? #5 I DON’T WANT A SEXUAL SWINGER: Do you spend your
evenings attending orgies at the A-Frame? Do you h ave a lifetime
membership at Platos? Do you refuse to call yourse lf a prostitute even
though you run a credit check on every man you meet before you go to bed
with him? Do you have a time clock in your panties and a cash register in
your bra? Sorry, we’re not compatible. You know, even though I’ve been married and I’ve been around, I feel
that, by Southern California standards, I’m almost a virgin. For example,
someone told me recently that Hugh Hefner has been to bed with more
than 3,000 women. Could that be true? I don’t know but, if it is, he is, in my opinion, a man
to be pitied, not to be envied. I’ll take quality over quantity any day. #6 I DON’T WANT A SEXUAL PRUDE: I bet by now you think I’m
repressed, don’t you? I bet you think the hot thro b of lust does not live in
my loins. I bet you think that if you and Kelly Le Brock showed up at my
door with a suitcase full of excitement from Trashy Lingerie (they’re
located at 422 N. LaCienega and they’ve got the hottest stuff in town!) and
suggested we have a ménage a trios that I would tos s you both out on your
ear and report you to Jerry Falwell. You are wrong. You are wrong. You are wrong. You are wrong.

Fear not, I may be cautious but I’m not crazy. Hark unto me. Listen. Just because I’m not int o freebasing, orgies and
non-stop promiscuity doesn’t mean I’m dead. It’s t rue that I don’t want a
woman who’s been sleeping with everything in pants. However, on the
other hand, if you are a 35-year-old virgin who thi nks foreplay should be
1⁄2 hour of begging and “oral sex” is the name of a d isgusting new group of
punk rockers than, you may rest assured, our stars were simply not meant
to cross. #7 I DON’T WANT A WOMAN WHO CAN’T STAND PROSPERITY:
Don’t laugh. I lost the love of my life because th ings got “too good”. Some are into the struggle and not the reward. I’m into both. As you already know, I like to w ork but work without
reward is senseless. It seems to me that many woman (and men) just insist
on filling up their lives with a lot of needless trauma. Not me, I want the payoff along with the pain. Therefore
“If you don’t want the good
And just want the bad. Don’t waste your time
By answering this ad!”
Good Lord, that was corny, wasn’t it? Well, anyway, that’s my laundry list of what I d on’t want and, in fact,
what I can’t handle. Now comes the hard part. I r eally feel awkward
about saying what I do want. I’m afraid if I get t oo explicit it will seem
like I’m an insensitive clod ordering something from a Chinese menu. On the other hand, if I don’t set down some guid elines, I’m afraid this ad
will be answered by many woman with whom I would no t be at all
compatible.

So please, give me a break. I’m not nearly as d efinite about what I am
about to write as it will appear in print. Remembe r, what I am about to
write is not etched in stone. Anyway, here I go. My idea of a perfect woman i s someone who is
intelligent and healthy with a good sense of humor and someone who will
take my breath away when I see her in a string bikini! As far as age is concerned, if you are somewhere between 25 and 35 that
would be just fine and, if you are a little younger or a little older, that is
probably no big deal. I like women who take care of themselves. If yo u have a slender,
healthy body, a reasonably slim waist, rather gener ous breasts (God, that
sounds redneck, doesn’t it?), a very pretty face an d a good sense of humor
then, quite frankly, you sound like heaven to me! So much for specifications. And now if after all this, you are still interes ted, what can you expect
from me? Well, the first word in the headlines of this ad is “Generous”
and I am just that. However, generous does not mea n “chump”. It also
doesn’t mean that I want to pay for sex. That’s ri diculous. Any man in
LA who wants to pay for sex doesn’t have to write a n ad, all he has to do
is answer one. Those ads are all over, even in the yellow pages. Here’s what I mean by generous. I love to buy p resents for women.