Goodbye 04-06-05

The doctor replies, "I don't know. He's going pretty fast. Maybe just another 7 or 10 minutes more."

"Well, is it okay if we lift the corner of the oxygen tent so we can say goodbye?" they beg.

The doctor says he'll leave the room to give these guys some privacy with me.

Then, with everyone else looking on, two of these guys lift the oxygen tent. One of them says, "Gary, hey I know it's a bad time and I know you're dying. But I've got just one quick question. You know stamps are 37¢ and my friend says he thinks we'll get better response using three stamps instead of one stamp. What do you think Gary? Will three stamps pull better than one stamp?"

The other guy who had helped him lift my oxygen tent pipes in, "I got one real quick question and then I'll let you die. I'm broke and unhealthy. I can't get a woman and haven't gotten laid in 7 years. My life is completely dysfunctional and in chaos. I've also got a problem with alcohol and drugs. Last week they repossessed my car and kicked me out of my house. Now I'm living under the Venetian Causeway Bridge. Here's my question: Can you give me a quick secret that will turn my life around and make me instantly rich, healthy, and desirable to women? And somehow be able to enjoy my drugs and alcohol without any ill effects? That's all I want Gary. I'm looking at the clock and you still have 4 minutes left. Would you use those 4 minutes to help me?"

Then, in the background, I hear the other guys in the room begging, "Gary, I've got a question too." And someone else pleading, "Gary, it's just a really quick one."

My eyes are darting around frantically to find the call button. I push it with all the strength I have left. The doctor and several nurses come rushing into the room. They make the knot of people back away from me. And they ask, "What is it Gary? Do you need more morphine? Do you need a sip of water? What is it Gary? What can we do for you?"

With what little bit of dying breath I have left, I whisper, "No. I don't need any of that. What I DO need is for you to get all these shitweasels away from me so I can die in peace!"

Well, that's it for today. But you better read the next installment... because... in that one...