So, I asked Rudy (who was working as my assistant until he had to go back to college) to look into this for me. By the way, Rudy is a nice, young Chinese man who, I would guess, is something few of you have ever met. You see, Rudy is...
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A Real Geek!
Many people have told you they are real geeks, which means... of course... they are computer literate. All of these people are liars. None of them would make a pimple on a real geek's ass. Here is a clue about the difference between a fake geek and a real geek:
A fake geek will have a computer with a hard drive with about 40 gigabytes.
A real geek (like Rudy) has a computer with...
1.2 Terrabytes!
That means, Rudy's hard drive has the capacity of...
307 Normal Computers!
Rudy is 21-years old and he can do things with a computer which maybe only two or three other people in the world can do. So, I ask him if he can track down the origin of those vicious e-mails. It must have taken Rudy all of about 12 minutes to do it.
Then, I step in with MY expertise. My Uncle Jack (who died recently) was one of the best Morse Code men in the entire world in World War II. He could send and receive Morse Code with lightning speed.
Now, here is a little something most people don't know. (Why should they? After all, most people are idiots).
What most people don't know is, it turns out everyone who sends Morse Code has what's called a "signature fist". What that means is, everyone who sends a Morse Code message taps it out a little differently. And, if you know the sender's "signature fist", you can ascertain his identity instantly.
Guess what? Nobody else is ever going to tell you this... but... everyone who uses a computer has a "signature keyboard fist". For example, when the little finger on my left hand depresses the letter "A" on a computer keyboard, I do it a little harder or a little softer than you do it... or... anyone else in the world…
If I use the middle finger of my right hand to reach up to the top of the keyboard and depress "F7", I do it a little slower or a little faster than you or any other person. I also depress the "F1" key a little harder or a little softer than anyone else.
With Morse Code, you can only tap out 26 different letters and the numbers zero through nine. But, on a computer keyboard, there are a trillion, zillion subtle differences. And, if you have a software program which can analyze these differences, you can identify the identity of anyone who has sent you an a-emil message. There are only (to…
But anyway, my Uncle Jack knew many military secrets (he had a top secret clearance) and he took all of his secrets to the grave. But, you know what? Before he died, he gave me a little something he had spent his lifetime perfecting. Only five other people know about it.
Let's shorten this story: When I realized it wasn't Terrance Leednaught sending me those vicious e-mails, I started to suspect it was Leonard Fumarto who was the author of them. I retrieved Uncle Jack's secret software program from its hiding place (all the alphabet agencies in the world could never find it) and check it against…
I got another nasty e-mail from Leonard Fumarto (disguised as Terrance Leednaught) telling me all about the horrible things he was gong to do to me. I e-mailed back to him a message which said something like...
"No, Mr. Fumarto. You are not going to do any of those things to me. What you are going to do is go to prison and become a member of the AEP (Asshole Enlargement Program) and, when you come out, your rectum will be approximately the size of the Holland Tunnel."
I also cc'd a copy of this message to the real e-mail address of Leonard Fumarto. Leonard e-mailed me back almost immediately declaring his innocence. I e-mailed him back and told him how I KNEW it was him and how the name of my Bimini boat was "No Mercy" because it reflected my personality so accurately…
All this occurred in the evening and I took a couple Ambien and went to bed. As soon as I woke up the next morning, my phone was ringing. It was Leonard Fumarto himself. He told me how I was making a terrible mistake. How he was not the author of those e-mails. And then, I explained in detail…
He started sobbing. He started begging. He admitted he did it. He tried to explain his actions by telling me how much my rejection of his proposal had hurt him. He begged me (through his sobs) not to ruin his life. He explained how he was only 17-years old and had done all this in a blind, insane rage…
I told him to shut up and listen. I told him not to say a single word. Then, I said, "Leonard, I'm hungry and I'm going downstairs to eat breakfast. During my breakfast, we're going to find out how good a copywriter you really are. Here's why: When I come back from breakfast, I am going…
"The first thing you are going to do is admit it was you who sent those vicious e-mails. The second thing you are going to do is tell me how genuinely sorry you are you did those things... and... that you will NEVER do anything like that again.
"Now, here's the deal: If there is no e-mail from you... or... I don't believe your e-mail is sincere, I am going to ruin your life and I am going to do it immediately."
I hung up and went to breakfast. When I came back, there was an e-mail from Leonard and, I did believe…
"Leonard, you have nothing more to fear from me. I will not interfere with your life in any way. It took courage to admit what you did and more courage to apologize for it. And, in spite of everything, I genuinely wish you success in all your endeavors. Gary"