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Surely you jest.

Let me tell you what in
reality is happening to a lot of your mail. First, all the
mail you are paying to have printed and assembled is not
always being delivered to the post office by your lettershop.
Why? The answer is simple. You see, it is much more profitable
for your lettershop to assemble only…

Of course, you don't believe this is
happening, do you? I mean, after all, your lettershop gets a
receipt from the post office for the number of pieces of mail
it delivers to the loading dock, doesn't it? And that receipt
is given to you, isn't it?

And receipts don't lie, do they? Especially
ones that are signed by an employee of the almighty U.S.
Federal Government, right?

Be serious. Try and picture this scene in your
mind. I want you to imagine a guy named Jose who works on the
loading dock of a big city Post Office. I want you to know a…

Now ol' Rhonda isn't too particular about her
gentleman friends as long as they come equipped with a
well-stocked personal pharmacy.

So anyway, our guy Jose has all this on his
mind when the truck from Larcenous Lettershop drives up and
out pops the owner, Mr. Ferdinand Letscrewem. Ferdy then walks
up to Jose (who he's known…

Ferdy:

"How's
it goin, Jose? Getting any action lately?"

Jose:

"Not
much man. Just the ol' lady. I'd sure like to get next
to Roundheels again but you know Rhonda... no blow, no
show."

Ferdy:

"Oh
yeah. Say that reminds me. I got a little something
for you. It's Peruvian flake, man. Root canal
quality!"

Jose:

"Hey
man, you're O.K.! You just saved my cojones from early
retirement!"

Ferdy:

"Glad
to do it, man. Hey listen, I gotta get a receipt for
this mail. I don't know how it's gonna weigh out but
it's supposed to be about 100,000 pieces and that's
what I need a receipt for…

Jose:

"No
worries, good buddy. Just have your men put the stuff
on the cart over there and I'll get the paperwork for
you right away."

And so it goes. What happens is ol' Mr.
Letscrewem delivers 90,000 pieces of mail to the post office
and gets a receipt which he gives to you for 100,000 pieces…

Let's face it, how will you ever know?

So anyway, let us continue our story. You now
have 90,000 pieces of mail sitting on a post office dock that
eventually (after a long, long time) gets sorted and delivered
to the loading docks of the other post offices, from which it
is supposed to be delivered to all…

And so, every once in a while, guess what our
mental midget decides to do? You're right, every once in a
while he decides to throw your mail away!

Much, Much, Much,

Much More Often

Than You Would Ever Believe!

And why not? It's junk, isn't it? Nobody's
going to miss it, are they? Throwing this stuff away is doing
everybody a big favor, right?

And so, about 17% (minimum) of all your mail that is correctly addressed never gets delivered simply because it
gets thrown away. And, of course, since you are mailing bulk,
your mail…

Let's see now. So far, 10% didn't get
delivered to the post
office, 24% didn't get delivered by
the post office and now (finally) we've got approximately
66,000 pieces of mail (out of the 100,000 that we've paid for)
that has actually been delivered.

So what happens next? I'm glad you asked. What
happens next is that at least of your 66,000 pieces of mail
that did manage to get
delivered gets immediately
thrown away.

Here is something I want to burn into your
mind. I want you to remember it and remember it well. I also
want you to remember that…

Most Of The People

In America Sort

Through Their Mail

While Standing Over

A Waste Basket!

But, of course, as one of my subscribers, you
already knew that, didn't you? Whatever. O.K. now, we've got
33,000 letters (out of 100,000) that have actually been
delivered to the post
office, delivered by the post office and…

Hooray. Hooray.

But wait. We started cheering too soon.

Why? Because now, perhaps another 20% of our
remaining mail gets thrown away as soon as it was opened. Darn
it anyway. Here we get 33,000 people to open our mail and
6,000 or 7,000 of those folks said "Oh yuck!" when
they saw that bewildering collection of…

But hey, we have
gotten about 26,000 folks to at least read
our letters. And that's not bad, right?

Actually, it's not. What the hell, if every
one of those 26,000 people order, we'll be figuring on getting
a 26% response and gosh, that's not bad at all.

But, of course, all 26,000 of those who do read our mail do not order.
Some of them who read our letters don't order because they
don't believe what they
are reading. But don't worry, we can fix that. At least, on a
percentage basis, we can fix a lot of it!

And now, we are left with those folks who
don't order because they don't want what we're selling and
I'll accept that.

Or because they don't want to pay our price
and I'll accept that.

Or because they are short of cash and I'll
accept that.

But I won't accept, and neither should you,
not getting orders because my letters were not delivered,
opened or read.

So let's stop sniveling and start curing these
problems. Are you ready? Good. Here then, after another
atrociously long preamble, are 20-ways to improve your
response without changing a word of your copy.

#1

Deliver
your mail to the post office yourself.

Want to try a really instructive split-run
test? Do this: If you mail say, 100,000 pieces per month, send
half of your work to Lettershop A and the other half to
Lettershop B. Tell Lettershop A to proceed as usual and
deliver your mail to the post office and…

Isn't that curious? Let's press on.

#2

Start
using live stamps on your envelopes instead of using a
postage meter or a printed indicia.

#3

Start
using direct impression addressing (heat transfer, AD
MARK, laser, etc.) instead of labels.