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Seems like the start of a gloomy issue? No way, José! This
one's gonna leave you smiling, jumping for joy, and happy as Bill Clinton in a
room full of interns.

See, I know something about my readers. Most of them are
pretty much brain-dead. Perhaps a more charitable term would be
"sluggish-minded". They want to have…

You want proof my readers are mostly beyond all hope? Then
think about this: These people are so senseless...

They Look To ME For Answers!

Lunatics. That's all I can say. You're all lunatics.
Looking for answers from a man who can't work his own remote for his TV, or
retrieve his own phone messages (I don…

I've Got An Idea!

What if I could figure a way YOU could make some serious
fungolas... without... having to think? Without having to work?
Without having to put up any money? Without having to take risks?

Actually, there is some "work" involved. You will have to
deposit a bunch of checks you get in the mail. I know it's a lot to ask...
but... maybe you could get your spouse or one of your trusted friends to do it
for you. That way, depositing those damn checks won't hardly even be a
"bump-in…

Hell, I don't want to think or work or invest money
or take risks either. I'm just like you. Just gimme the money and get out of my
face. And you know what else? I really have figured out...

Exactly How To Make

This Scenario Come True!

You're gonna love this newsletter, Buckwheat. You
ain't never done read nuthin' as slick as this!

But first, a side trip: I make a big deal out of being the
world's best copywriter. I think it must be true... because... it says so
right in my newsletter. But, all joking aside, here's…

Are The Secrets That

Make People Buy!

A simple example: Send a printed personalized sales
letter to 1,000 people and you will get more orders than if you send a printed
sales letter that starts "Dear Friend" or "Dear Subscriber" or "Dear Occupant"
or "Dear Resident" or "Dear Fellow Boat Lover" or what have you. It used to be…

Now, you do understand what a personalized computer
generated letter is, don't you? What it is, is (Bill Clinton lives)...

A Fake Typed Letter!

Remember all those times I told you I was in the family
crest business? And how I would type one letter to the "Allard" family and then
have a few thousand of those "personalized" letters…

A Fake Computer Letter!

So, what I was doing was, sending out a fake computer
letter... which is... a fake typed letter... which fetched 300% more orders than
a "generic" printed sales letter... and... I was doing it at perhaps 1,400
times cheaper than could be done otherwise.

Personalized letters today do NOT automatically
increase sales by 300%. That's simply due to the fact there have been too many
of them mailed. But, my friend John Carlton has tested personalized vs.
non-personalized... and... personalized still increases response. It
increases the response rate by an average of 30%.

Do you realize an increase of sales by 30% probably
produces a 200% increase in profitability? That's because the first big chunk of
money generated by your sales goes to pay for your overhead, fulfillment, etc.

Let's talk about another sales secret. As a general rule,
if you tell your prospects you will not cash his check or process his credit
card for 30-days, you will triple your orders... but... double your refund rate.
Let's do a little math and see how that works out.

Let's say you are selling a book for $100. And it costs you
$1 to mail each letter. Also, it costs you $10 to fulfill every order. And in
this example, let's say you are getting a 2% response with a 10% refund rate.

To mail 1,000 letters would cost you $1,000. A 2% response
rate would equal 20 orders. So you'll gross $2,000 (20 x $100). Take those 20
orders and multiply it by the $10 for fulfillment, and you have to fork over
another $200. But don't forget those refunds. A 10% refund rate would be 2…

That means you net $600. (Do the math yourself so you'll
completely understand this.)

But, what if you use the "I won't cash your check or
process your credit card for 30-days" idea? Let's see how the math works on that
scenario.

Okay, we mail our 1,000 letters and it still costs us the
same $1,000. But, as I said earlier, using this technique usually triples
the response rate. That means we now get 60 orders (instead of 20). And that
means, you'll gross $6,000 (60 x $100). Now take those 60 orders and multiply it
by the…

That means you net $3,200. (Again, do the math yourself so
you'll completely understand this.)

So, here's the question: Would you rather conduct your
business in an "ordinary" way and have a profit of $600... or... use the
"30-day-hold" technique and have a profit of $3,200?

How many of these "sales secrets" do you think I know? The
truth is, I know more of them than you would ever believe. Other copywriters
pretty much rely on their communication skills alone. What I rely on is my
communication skills...

To Communicate Things

I Know Will Increase Sales!

Now, I'm going to tell you a story and show you a piece of
writing which should lay to rest forever the slightest suspicion there's anyone
else on this entire planet who can write copy as well as I can. And, after I do
that, I'm going to show…

How You Can Make A LOT Of Money

By Simply Receiving Checks In The Mail

And Depositing Them Into YOUR Bank
Account!

Remember I told you the best thing you can do for yourself
when you're feeling down is to do something nice for someone else? Well, a short
time ago I had a small seminar on how to…